


Kitchen Raids

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance, Sex, Time Turner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:29:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>History repeats, with varying outcomes. Sequel to "Train in Vain."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Learning

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

"Moony? Moony?"

The voice tickled the edges of Remus's consciousness. He held his question for the runes firmly in the forefront of his mind.

"Moony!"

Remus started; the runes he had been about to cast flew out of his hand. "What?"

Sirius looked guilty. "Um... just wanted to know if you'd come on a kitchen raid with me."

"I'm busy," he said briefly, gathering the runes up again. "Ask Peter."

"He's with Phoebe." Sirius found a rune that had skittered under a chair.

"Ask James." Remus shut his eyes and tried to compose himself once more for the casting.

From the corner where he was mapping out new Quidditch strategies, James chuckled. "I don't think so."

Remus glanced suspiciously at James, then back at Sirius, who was looking at him hopefully. And-- oh. He sighed. "All right. But only if you sit over there--" He pointed to an armchair a safe distance away. "And don't distract me for fifteen minutes. I want to finish this now."

"Remus, it's Arithmancy. You're doing Arithmancy on a Friday evening! How important can it be?" But Sirius sat obediently.

"I need to do this particular calculation now, before midnight on a rainy evening in late February, otherwise it won't work out." He turned back to his work, pointedly ignoring Sirius's heavy sigh.

Twenty minutes later he wrote down the last line of his essay, set his quill aside, and stretched. Sirius was at his side instantly.

"Can we go now?"

In answer, Remus stood up.

Sirius grinned widely. "Bye, Prongs!"

"I won't wait up," James muttered. Remus decided to let the comment slide as he followed Sirius out past the Fat Lady. Their Map had been confiscated, but they still remembered most of the passages they'd found with it. They used one to sneak down to the kitchens, where the house-elves greeted them happily.

Around a mouthful of roast beef, Sirius asked, "What is it with you and Arithmancy, anyway?"

Remus considered. "Why do I like it? Um... it gives you an answer, but it's--" He chewed thoughtfully. "It's concrete and abstract at the same time. And it uses everything. I like solving things, I suppose."

Sirius smiled. "I like watching you do it. Watching you concentrate."

"So why do you always interrupt me when I'm working on it?" He wiped his mouth with his napkin. He hadn't really been very hungry after all.

Sirius looked down at his hands. "Well..."

Remus waited.

"So, um--" Sirius leaned forward and whispered, "Do you want to go to the Shack?"

Remus paused. "I don't know." He enjoyed the look of surprise on Sirius's face for a moment. "You didn't answer my question."

Mischievously, Sirius said, "Yes, I did. That was the answer." He whispered again, "And wasn't I good upstairs? Didn't I do just as you told me? Don't I deserve a reward?"

He had to laugh. "All right, then. But only because you're begging and pleading."

Sirius was already at the door to the kitchen. "Whatever."

They slipped out and found a corridor that would take them outside.

"Merlin! It's pissing down out here!" Sirius tried to yank a fold of his robe up over his head as they ran quickly to the Willow. Remus found the stick they kept nearby and used it to press the secret knot, stilling the violent branches. Sirius virtually dragged him down the passage and into the Shack.

Sirius shed his wet clothes hastily and lay down on the four-poster bed, pulling the covers up. "Well? Aren't you joining me?"

"Subtle, Black. Very subtle." Remus stripped too and slid under the covers. Sirius's naked body, still chilled from their dash through the cold rain, pressed against him eagerly.

"Sod subtle," Sirius said, kissing him deeply. "I want to shag."

Remus tried not to tense, but Sirius noticed instantly. "What's wrong? Don't you--"

He kissed Sirius to reassure him. "Yes, but..." Damn. He was blushing.

"What?" Sirius ran his hand up and down Remus's back in long, slow caresses.

"I want you to do it," Remus mumbled.

The hand on his back stilled. "You-- what?"

"I want you to shag me," he repeated. He rested his head against Sirius's collarbone so he wouldn't have to look at him.

"Um... why?"

That wasn't the response he'd expected. Still talking to the little hollow at the base of Sirius's throat, he said, "Because I want you to. Unless you don't--"

"No, I just--" Sirius put his hand under Remus's chin and tilted his head up. "I just thought, you know, after our first time, that you wouldn't want to."

Sirius meant their other awkward discussion, when Remus had taken him for the first time. "Well, I-- I didn't know I would."

"Oh." The blue eyes went slightly distant, the way they did when Sirius was lost in thought. They refocused after a moment. "So, you do now."

Remus nodded.

"Why?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know, Sirius, usually I'm the one who analyzes everything."

Sirius smiled. "That's right. I'm just the one who analyzes you."

Too true, that. He touched Sirius's cheek gently, but didn't speak.

"So, why? I mean-- do you really want me to? Because I'm not--" At least Sirius was blushing now too. "I like what we do. The way you are with me. Love it." He gave Remus a quick kiss. "You don't have to."

Remus growled. "But I want to!" He seized Sirius and kissed him hard, sliding his hand down the long back to grab the firm arse. "You just want to make me beg and plead for once, don't you?"

Sirius chuckled, then sobered up. "Well, I-- why now?"

Why now, after almost three months, Sirius meant. Remus would just have to tell him, even though he'd probably be teased. "All right. I-- I had a dream." He bit Sirius's neck lightly. "I dreamed you were doing it to me. And I liked it." He looked up; Sirius's eyes were wide.

"You had a dream about me?"

Trust Sirius to focus in on the irrelevant part of it all. "Yes. About a week ago." It wasn't the first time he'd dreamed of Sirius, either, but he wasn't about to share that right now.

"And you liked it?"

Remus smiled. "Yeah. A lot." He grew harder just remembering the dream.

"Will you tell me?" The blue eyes were gleaming.

It shouldn't have been embarrassing to talk about sex with Sirius, considering how many times they'd done it, and the fact that they were currently naked in bed together. "Well..."

"Please?" Sirius started playing with Remus's nipples.

Remus sighed in pleasure and shut his eyes. That made it much easier. "We were in a bed I didn't recognize. Nice silvery drapes. And you were touching me there."

"And you liked it." A hot whisper into Remus's ear.

He shivered. "Yes. And you put your fingers there. Inside."

"Oh, yes." Sirius was rubbing his erection against Remus's thigh.

"Even in my dream it felt so good." He still had his eyes closed. "Then I rolled over to my stomach and you started doing it to me. And it was amazing." And he'd woken up still coming. He opened his eyes. Sirius was staring at him with undisguised lust; Remus didn't even have to smell him to know that. "So, I want you to. For real."

"Yes," Sirius breathed again. He leaned over and opened the drawer in the bedside table. "Where's the--"

"The charm, remember?" Remus had placed an Obscuring Charm over the lubricant, just in case.

"Oh, right." Sirius muttered the revealing spell, then fished out the tube. Remus turned onto his stomach, but a hand on his shoulder rolled him to his side. "Let's try this." Sirius was facing him, also lying on his side. They kissed; Remus inhaled deeply, savoring the delicious scent of his lover. He felt a tentative touch to his cleft and tried to indicate his willingness by pressing back against it. A slick finger brushed over his opening. He saw that Sirius was watching him intently. He slid his top leg over Sirius's thigh, spreading himself open. He was amazed-- and excited-- by his own, unaccustomed willingness to submit. The finger pressed in gently.

"Oh..." It was better than his dream. He put his arm around Sirius and moved closer to him. Sirius was all warm skin and lean muscle against him. The finger moved in and out. And Sirius was nibbling his ear in just the way that Remus liked. He heard himself make a little whining noise.

The finger stopped. Remus whined louder.

"Moony?"

He tried to push back on the finger again. "Don't stop!"

"All right." Sirius bit his ear again. "I just-- you've never made that noise before." The finger withdrew and re-entered. "I can't smell you, remember."

Remus realized that Sirius was probably as nervous as he himself had been the first time they'd done this, and, as Sirius had just pointed out, he couldn't sense Remus's emotions for reassurance. He managed to say, "It feels good. Really good." He kissed Sirius's throat for emphasis.

"Okay." Relief. "Um... more?"

"Yes!" Remus whined again as a second finger slowly penetrated him. He bit at Sirius's neck again, his collarbone. His hands were gripping Sirius's arse tightly.

Sirius worked his free hand in between them, took hold of Remus's erection, and started stroking it. Remus was incredibly hot; he threw off the covers and pushed his prick into the caressing hand. The fingers were working in and out of him steadily now, and Sirius was squeezing and pumping his cock quickly.

"Siri, I'll--" He gasped.

"Yes, it's all right." A warm kiss. "This is just to ... relax you."

He couldn't have felt any farther from relaxed, he thought. Every muscle in his body was tense with desire and pleasure. Then the fingers inside him hit a sensitive little spot, and he was coming all of a sudden, shaking in Sirius' arms.

"Okay?" Sirius kissed him again.

"Mm." He put his head into the crook of Sirius's neck and inhaled. /Desire/love/happiness/ swirled up in an intoxicating mix.

"We don't have to-- to do anymore." But Sirius's fingers were still inside him, turning slightly.

"No?" He ran his hand down the muscular torso and took hold of the pulsing cock. "And what about this?"

"We could think of something..." The blue eyes half-shut as Remus began fisting the hard shaft in his hand.

"I want you to do it, Siri." He licked Sirius's neck, faintly salty now.

For once Sirius didn't say anything. He rolled to his back, pulling Remus with him so that he was straddling Sirius. The fingers eased out; Remus found the tube lying on the pillow and squeezed some lubricant onto Sirius's cock, rubbing it over him thoroughly. Then he lifted himself up, still holding onto Sirius, and lowered himself down. Somehow he had thought it would hurt more; this was just a little burning pain. And Sirius's hands were running all over him, up his arms, over his chest, teasing his nipples, skating over his belly, fondling his renewed erection all too briefly, gripping his thighs... Remus pushed down again.

"Oh, Moony..." Sirius was trembling underneath him. A trickle of sweat ran down his cheek. The hands on his thighs shifted a little, moved to his hips. Remus could tell that Sirius was holding still only through a monumental effort. Fleetingly he realized that Sirius had guided them into this position so that Remus could control their actions.

"It's okay, it's okay," he murmured. He leaned forward a bit and rested his hands on Sirius' shoulders, easing himself down more.

"Merlin!" The fingers on his hips dug in suddenly, and Remus felt something hot and wet inside him. "Oh. Oh, shit!" Sirius was still panting, and his eyes were screwed shut. "I'm sorry. Sorry..."

Remus sniffed carefully. /shame/pleasure/disappointment/ He brought his hand up to stroke the tangled black hair. "Oh no, Black. You don't get off quite that easily." He had to give a little snort of laughter at his own unintentional pun. "That is, you do, but--" He clenched deliberately around Sirius's cock, just as Sirius liked to do to him.

"Shit! That's--" Sirius's eyes flew open.

Remus leaned down carefully and kissed the parted lips. "Stay inside and go again." They were eighteen, after all. That almost allowed Sirius to keep up with him and his werewolf stamina in bed.

"Oh Merlin." Sirius finally relaxed his hold on Remus's hips. He'd have a nice set of bruises there, just like the ones he kept leaving on Sirius. The symmetry was pleasing. "You really mean it?"

"Yes," he murmured into Sirius's mouth. He started moving again. It was easier now, with Sirius's come leaking out of him; and that knowledge, that sensation, were intensely arousing.

Then Sirius put his hand on Remus's cock, and pleasure flew through him. He shoved down hard and felt another spasm of sensation as that little spot inside was rubbed firmly. No wonder Sirius liked this so much. It was astounding. The look on Sirius's face made it even better. He realized that he was whining again, and moving faster and faster, pushing himself back onto Sirius's prick over and over again. Sirius was stroking his cock rapidly; his free hand was back on Remus' arse, guiding him up and down. Abruptly Remus was seized by pleasure; he climaxed forcefully, his orgasm drawn out by the incredible feeling of his arse clamping rhythmically around Sirius. At last he drew in a long, shuddering breath.

Sirius was staring up at him. "You're-- that was--" He pushed up for the first time, thrusting hard. Remus felt utterly relaxed now, held in the aftermath of pleasure; he tried to remember to move on and over Sirius, who was thrusting more quickly. Sirius moaned quietly and came again, biting his lip the way he sometimes did when it was particularly intense. He pulled Remus down; they kissed.

"All right?" Sirius whispered.

"Mm. Yes." He straightened out his legs and felt Sirius's cock slide out of him. "Wow."

"Are you sore?"

Remus assessed himself. "Not really." A faint ache there; given his accelerated healing, it would probably be gone in a couple of hours.

"Healing charm?"

"You don't use them." And it seemed to him that he usually took Sirius more roughly.

Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's hair. "It's not a contest, Moony. Mm... such pretty hair."

Remus laughed. "My boring brown hair."

"It's not boring. It has all those different colors. Dark brown, light brown, gold--"

"Don't forget the grey." Remus worried sometimes that he'd be completely grey by age thirty.

"Silver," Sirius corrected him. "I like it. Now my hair, that's boring. All black."

He kissed Sirius's shoulder. "Mm. It's the color of a moonless night."

Sirius's embrace tightened. They were silent for a while. At length Remus slid off and curled into Sirius's side.

"Remus?"

Something serious, then, if his boyfriend wasn't using the nickname. "Yes?"

"Did you tell your mum? About us? I mean, in London?"

They were going to share a flat in London after they left school. "I told her about the flat."

"Oh." Sirius digested this. "What-- how did you tell her?"

"Owl."

"No, you prat. What did you say?"

Remus tried to recall the exact wording. "Dear Mum, Hope all is well with you. I won't be coming home after I leave Hogwarts. I will be sharing a flat in London with my friend Sirius Black." He paused. "He is a notorious wastrel who will lead me down paths of debauchery and decadence of which I have heretofore only dreamed. Love, Remus."

Sirius laughed. "You're the debaucher, Moony. With those kinky dreams."

"Says the bloke who made me tell him all about that so-called kinky dream."

Another laugh. "What'd you really say?" The blue eyes were intent on him.

"The first part. About us sharing a flat. I just-- I couldn't tell her." That he was gay, that he was in love with his best friend... Facing the blank parchment, it had seemed impossible.

"I told my parents," Sirius said in a rush. "When I went home for my sister's wedding."

Sirius hadn't said anything when he'd come back, and that had been a month ago. So it must have been bad. "Oh."

"Yeah." Sirius petted his hair again. "They yelled like fury. No son of mine, etcetera. So, er, I've been cut off with the proverbial Knut."

"Damn," Remus said mildly. "So much for my plan to live off the extensive Black family fortune. I'll just have to look for a richer boyfriend."

Beside him Sirius tensed. That had clearly been the wrong thing to say, even in jest. He added quickly, "Or find a really well-paying job to keep us both in style."

Sirius relaxed. "I vote for the second option. You could-- you could be a model for Madam Malkin's. The robes would fly off the shelves."

Remus laughed. "Right. Or I could invent flavors for Bott's Beans." He was relieved that they'd got off the topic of their parents, and Remus's failure to come out to his mother.

"Mm. Or--" Sirius yawned. "Damn. We'll have to leave soon. Back to my cold, lonely, empty bed in the tower..." He cast Remus a mournful look. "But before we go, I just want to know one thing."

"Yes?" He ran his hand in circles over Sirius's belly.

"Is this better than Arithmancy?"

Remus pretended to think. "Let's see. It's messier, and doesn't seem to have any productive results. I'm continually being lured away from my studies to do it."

"Hey! You've lured me a few times."

Remus tried to look innocent.

"And what would you put in the plus column, Mr Moony?"

He smiled. "I love you." He didn't think he'd ever grow tired of the way Sirius's eyes lit up when he said that.

"Oh..." Sirius kissed him gratefully. "Love you too."

The rain pattered down on the roof of the Shack as they lay entwined on the bed.


	2. Knowing

"You fucking Death Eater scum! I can't believe I let my godson come to your house!" Sirius shouted. "This attack was all your fault!"

Harry had been assaulted in what the Ministry of Magic persisted in calling a Quidditch accident. An 'accident' that had landed him in St. Mungo's for almost a week. Sirius found it telling that the attack had come shortly after the news of Harry and Snape's relationship had been splashed across the front page of the Daily Prophet.

"Black, you idiot, do you think I don't want to keep him safe? Why the hell do you think I'm trying to get him to go to your house?" Snape was standing warily near the door to his living room, hand poised as if he were ready to draw his wand.

Sirius still couldn't believe that Harry was willingly involved-- he refused to say 'in love', even to himself-- with Snape. "That's what you're saying now. What were you doing to him before we came here?"

Snape smirked.

Sirius growled and lunged forward. Remus leapt between the two of them and wrapped his arms around Sirius. "Sirius, that's enough. We're going home now."

"No! Moony, we can't leave Harry here with this-- this--" He struggled uselessly against Remus's hold.

"We can, and we will." Remus started dragging him bodily to the fireplace. "Severus, I'm sorry."

Snape said coolly, "No need. I don't hold you responsible for the irrational actions of your brainless partner."

Sirius started to transform into Padfoot, but Remus was too quick for him. With a swift incantation he ensured that Sirius was stuck in human form. Then Remus threw him into the Floo.

Nauseous from the spell and from the whirl of the Floo, Sirius fell out onto the floor of their kitchen and threw up. "Shit!"

"Serves you right," Remus said, casting a cleaning charm on the floor but not, pointedly, on Sirius. "What the hell were you thinking? No, don't answer that. You weren't bloody thinking!"

"But Moony, he's keeping Harry under some kind of -- of house arrest!" Sirius struggled to his feet and cleaned himself up quickly.

"Merlin, Sirius, weren't you listening at all? Harry **wants** to stay there."

"That's impossible," he said with certainty. "Especially now."

Remus stared at him. "It's like talking to a brick wall. Except the wall might have more understanding! I give up." He turned around and strode out of the room.

"Moony!" Sirius ran after him. "Wait! I just--" He followed Remus up the stairs to their bedroom.

"Leave off, Sirius. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm going to sleep."

Sirius had never seen anyone undress angrily before, but Remus managed it. "I'm sorry, I just--"

"I said leave off!" Remus slid under the covers.

Sirius sat on the side of the bed. "Isn't there something about not letting the sun go down on your anger?" Perhaps he could jolly Remus out of this.

"Too late." From the sound of Remus's voice, he'd turned to his side, facing away from Sirius. "It's after dark."

"Moony..." He didn't know what else to say.

A sigh. "Sirius, I know you got angry and now you're sorry. But I don't really want to deal with it right now. Go to sleep."

Sirius sat stiffly, staring into the darkness.

Another sigh. "Yes, I still love you. I'm just incredibly pissed off."

"Okay," he whispered. He undressed in the dark and slid under the covers, although he was still shaking with adrenaline. He felt an urgent necessity to be near Remus, painful though it was to sense his lover's anger. It took him a long time to fall asleep.

Things got worse in the morning. They were sitting together in the living room with Remus brushing his hair, a comforting ritual they occasionally indulged in. It was faintly reminiscent of Remus grooming Padfoot. That hardly ever happened now, as Sirius didn't transform unless he felt he had to. Something about all those years when he'd been forced to live as a dog had taken the fun out of it. Now, resting his head on Remus's thigh as the husky voice murmured to him soothingly and the warm fingers worked through his hair, Sirius hoped that they could simply forget the events of the previous night.

Then Harry came to talk about the attack he'd suffered and who was behind it, and Sirius was congratulating himself on keeping his calm, until he lost it completely, accusing Harry of letting Snape abuse him now and when they were both at Hogwarts. He was standing in the living room, staring out the window, when Remus came back in from seeing Harry off. Remus just looked at him and sighed, then left the room again. Sirius's stomach knotted up.

They didn't speak much for the rest of the day, until Sirius realized he'd been alone in the living room for several hours after their silent dinner. He went upstairs and quietly opened the door to the study. He hovered there for a few minutes, watching his lover. A strand of grey-brown hair had fallen forward over Remus's cheek as he worked; he seemed to be calculating something. Sirius saw the bag of runes and sighed. Arithmancy again. What the hell. "Moony?"

Nothing. The quill scratched busily over the parchment.

"Moony?"

More scratching.

"Moony!"

"What!" The quill flew out of Remus's hand as he reached for his wand.

"Sorry. I just--" Sirius cast around for something innocuous to say. "Kitchen raid?"

Remus stared at him. "I don't think we can."

"Why not?" That wasn't what he'd expected to hear.

"Technically, I don't think it's possible to raid the kitchen in one's own house." Remus smiled slightly.

"Right, I'll rephrase. Would you like to join me in our kitchen for a snack?" He tried not to look pleadingly at his lover.

"Well..." Remus looked at his parchment, then at the clock. "Fifteen minutes? I'd like to finish this now."

"All right." Sirius smiled. "I'll just sit over here quietly." True to his word, he flopped down into an armchair and watched as Remus returned to his work. He shook the runes and cast them, a look of utter concentration on his face. As usual, looking at Remus was completely absorbing. So much so that Remus had tidied away the runes and stood up from the desk before Sirius realized that he was done. He rose to his feet and followed Remus down to the kitchen.

Remus stared into the refrigerator. "Sandwiches?"

"Sounds good. Can I help?"

"No!" As if it were Sirius's fault that the last time he'd helped he'd scorched dinner irreparably. Well, perhaps that had been his fault. He leaned against the counter and watched Remus make a plate of ham sandwiches.

"I can't believe you do Arithmancy for fun."

Remus put the ham back in the refrigerator. "It's useful. And I still like it. Besides, it's buying you this sandwich."

"Oh?" Remus had tried to explain once how he made money in the Muggle world with Arithmancy, but Sirius found the concepts too abstract. "How so?"

"Mm... If the calculations I was doing upstairs work out, I'll make about twelve thousand pounds."

Sirius did the conversion to Galleons in his head. His eyes widened. "Wow. Perhaps you should teach me how to do it."

Remus just looked at him.

"Or perhaps not. Um... Can we eat on the back steps?" He still loved being outside, despite having been out of prison for more than five years.

Remus hesitated. "It's chilly out there."

In response, Sirius fetched their cloaks. "And I'll have my own personal furnace," he said hopefully. Remus was always warm.

A smile. "All right."

They went out the kitchen door; Sirius sat on the top step and looked up at the sky. The clouds were swirling about; it looked, and smelled, like rain.

"Move down one," Remus said. Sirius complied; Remus sat behind him and put his legs outside Sirius's, wrapping him in a loose embrace. Sirius leaned back gratefully.

"I've been a prat, haven't I?" It was easier not to look at Remus when he said that. But it was true. His stomach clenched as he thought about losing his temper. He set his half-eaten sandwich aside.

"Well, now that you mention it... yes." The embrace tightened slightly.

"And I'm going to have to apologize." He hated that. Apologizing to Snape. Doing anything to Snape that didn't involve planting his fist in that damn smirk.

"At least to Harry," Remus said quietly.

"Oh, shit." That might be even worse. Harry had looked at him this morning as if he didn't want to deal with Sirius anymore.

"Siri?"

"Mm." He put his head in his hands and exhaled to calm himself.

"Severus didn't touch Harry while they were both at Hogwarts." That was what had precipitated the morning blow-up; Sirius had asked Harry if Snape had been after him when Harry was still a student.

"How do you know?"

Remus touched his hair lightly. "We talked about it."

"You and Harry?" Hoping.

"Severus and I."

Damn. Would that never stop coming back to torment him? He loathed being forced to think about Remus and Snape together.

A sigh behind him. "And Severus would never hurt him. Think of it this way: would Harry let anyone hurt him? Would he let anyone make him do something he didn't want to?"

Sometimes he wished Remus weren't quite so reasonable. He thought about Harry, that stubborn chin, so like James's. Harry, facing him down. Harry, choosing to go home with **Snape** \-- "But it's Snape! Why does he get--" He managed to shut himself up.

"Finish the sentence, Sirius."

His full name, in private. He was in trouble. "He gets everything," Sirius muttered.

He could feel Remus waiting. He forced himself to go on. "He gets everything. Everyone I-- everyone who's important to me."

"You're talking about Harry. And me." Very gently.

Sirius nodded. He couldn't speak.

"It doesn't work like that, Siri."

"Like what?"

"You can't... hold onto people. Own them." In a whisper. "Exclusively."

Sirius tensed. His jealousy threatened to blaze up again; he pushed it down. "But you-- you own me. Don't you?"

"Not like that. Not--" At least Remus seemed to be having trouble with this conversation too. "I tell you you're mine, but I-- oh, hell."

Cautiously Sirius turned his head and looked at Remus's face, faintly illuminated by the light spilling out of the kitchen window. He didn't say anything; Remus was clearly sorting out his thoughts.

"You're mine." A little growl, and Remus's hold on Sirius tightened. "But I don't want to-- don't need to-- control you." Sirius thought about this. "Do you think I want to control you?"

"In some ways. And Harry-- yes."

"That's different," he said instantly. "He's-- I'm responsible for him."

"Siri, he's eighteen. A grown man. Remember how we were at that age?" Remus's voice dropped. "You told your parents you'd be living with me in London, and they were furious."

It didn't take much to bring that memory back, since it was a bad one; the Dementors had enjoyed it greatly. "Yes," he said with a shiver.

"But you did it anyway."

"Well, of course." Damn, he'd been outlogicked. "Bugger," he said aloud.

"So. You need to let Harry make his own decisions. Even if they involve Severus."

And they were back to that. "And you? Didn't I let you visit him all those times?" After Remus and Snape had ended their affair, Remus had continued to meet with Snape.

Abruptly Remus released him and stood up. "No. You didn't let me. I did it. And I didn't need your fucking permission!" He rubbed his hand over his face. "Shit. Is that what all this is about?"

Sirius wanted to say no, but couldn't.

"Don't involve Harry and Severus in something that's between you and me." Remus stared down at him for a moment. "I'm going inside now."

Sirius followed quickly. He didn't want to be abandoned on the steps.

Remus had dropped his cloak over one of the kitchen chairs. Now he threw the plates into the sink; one of them shattered. He leaned over the sink, hands clutching the edge of the counter. "Okay," he said, as if to himself. "Okay. Reparo." The plate mended itself hastily.

"Remus, I--"

"Sirius, if you're angry with me, just tell me. Don't-- don't drag everyone else through this too." Remus was still staring down, facing away from Sirius.

The truth struck him like a blow. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't know." Didn't know that he'd pushed away all his anger towards Remus so that it boiled out over Harry and Snape instead. "I'm sorry."

Remus turned around slowly. "I just-- I just wish we could have this conversation and end it once and for all. It keeps ... reappearing."

Sirius was still wearing his cloak. He pulled it around himself tightly, protectively. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Sirius. Just do something about it. If you're angry with me, yell at me. Punch me. Get it out." Remus took a step towards him.

"I'm-- how can I be angry with you?" He truly didn't know the answer. He stared at Remus.

Another step. "I didn't believe in you. I slept with someone you hate. Now I'm his friend, and you hate that."

"Yes," Sirius said without thinking. Then he listened to what he'd said. "Yes," he said more forcefully. "Why did you do that? I mean- - I didn't think you would wait. But--"

He could almost feel Remus closing himself down, away.

"Moony." His voice cracked. "Tell me. Why?" He wanted to touch Remus, but didn't. "Why?" The question that had been eating at him since he'd discovered that Remus had been Snape's lover. "Why?!" He yelled suddenly. "How could you do that to me?" He stopped, breathing heavily, shocked at his own explosion.

Remus stared at him, apparently surprised out of his retreat. "Why did I take a lover? Or why was it Severus?"

"Both," Sirius said quickly, before he could lose his nerve.

Remus pulled out a chair from the table and sat down heavily. "You really want to know."

It was a statement, not a question, but he answered anyway. "Yes."

"Well, I-- I don't think I would have had an affair with anyone but Severus."

Sirius realized that he was gripping the edges of his cloak so tightly his fingers ached, but he couldn't make his hands relax. "Oh."

"He ... he knew about me. So I didn't have to lie to him."

"About being a werewolf."

Remus nodded. "And about you. That I--" He glanced up quickly. "That I loved you. Still. Even though I never said it to him. He knew."

"Why did that matter?" It came out much more bitterly than he had anticipated. "You didn't believe in me."

"No." The husky voice dropped. "That made it even worse."

They were silent for a minute. Then Remus went on. "Severus ... took me by surprise. I didn't expect to find someone who-- who understood me. Not again."

Sirius didn't know how he was supposed to react to that.

Remus spoke again, looking down at his hands. "I don't know, Siri. He-- he helped me. But it was so painful. He wanted me to ..."

"To forget about me," Sirius said. The bitterness was still in his voice.

"No. No. To be alive. But I couldn't. I don't know," Remus repeated. "I think I would have left him anyway."

"But you're not certain."

Remus shrugged. "Or he would have left me. It was going to end sooner or later."

Sirius couldn't imagine anyone leaving Remus. He was silent again.

"Sirius-- Siri. I didn't know. I thought you were never coming back. I didn't mean to ... betray you. Siri. Please."

That was wrong, for Remus to beg him. He was finally able to loosen his grip on the edges of his cloak and put his hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus covered it with his own warm hand, squeezing his fingers.

"Oh, Moony. I love you. So much." The words were inadequate; he shook his head. "You're-- without you, I'd be nothing. Empty." Dead, he thought. Dead till I be with him, Remus had said once.

"But you're still angry with me." Said very gently.

"I--" He was about to deny it.

"It's all right, Siri. One doesn't have to cancel out the other. It's-- that's the way it's supposed to work." The yellow eyes looked up at him intently. "I think-- that's one of the things we didn't understand. Before." Remus glanced away suddenly. "You know, I stopped smelling you. Your emotions. Then. Um, in those last few months before--" As if choking the words out. "Before James and Lily were killed. Because you-- you were angry all the time. It ... was so painful. But I-- I should have done something. I should have known something was wrong."

Sirius had to sit down. "Is that why-- why you didn't believe me? Believe in me?" He knees almost brushed Remus's.

Remus was still looking away. "Yes," he said in that same choked voice. "You were-- you weren't-- I barely recognized you."

"But--" He bit off the rest of the sentence.

"But what?" A pause. "Sirius. What?"

Sirius stared at the floor. "You should have. Why didn't you?" Should have recognized him. Should have believed in him. Should have trusted him.

A very long pause. At last Sirius looked up. He'd never seen that expression on Remus's face before, guilt and pain and regret written clearly across the handsome features. Remus swallowed hard and, finally, spoke. "Yes. I should have. If I hadn't been-- if I hadn't let myself--" He looked into Sirius's eyes with an obvious effort. "I just never thought it would last, Siri. And we'd been together almost four years. It seemed so long, and I--"

Sirius was frozen. "You didn't--"

Remus slid off the chair and to his knees suddenly, putting his hands on the arms of Sirius's chair. "I didn't... I didn't deserve you."

Sirius closed his eyes in relief. "Oh, Remus."

"You always wanted to make me happy." Remus was whispering now. "And I was. So happy. But I-- how could all of that be for me? So when you ... started to change, I thought, well, I knew all along that would happen."

He touched Remus's hair lightly, running his fingers through the soft strands.

"But I should have known. I should have." Guiltily.

"Remus..." He couldn't disagree, but he could at least admit to his own faults. "No. I should have-- I was angry then because of--" Because of the charm, he wanted to say. The jealousy charm that Pettigrew had cast on him. But that wasn't all of it. Sirius sighed and started again. "It was the same thing. I was angry. And jealous." He shivered. "And I didn't want to ... acknowledge it. Because I thought you would--" In a whisper. "Leave me."

"That's what I mean. I should have seen that."

"Moony, how could you have?" He caught Remus's hand and clutched it. " **I** didn't see it, for Merlin's sake." There was something else he had to make clear. "And now ... I suppose I-- I am angry, but I hate it. Because I see myself acting ... irrationally." He gripped Remus's hand more tightly. "I just want to stop hurting you."

"It's all right," Remus murmured. "And I know it's hard. But you need to be able to let go. Of all that ... worry."

That was exactly what it was, Sirius realized. Anxiety. Fear. A terror that made him want to hold onto Remus even more tightly but that paradoxically pushed Remus away from him. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Remus's. "Yes. I'm trying. It's not all the time." Thank Merlin. He couldn't have lived with the constant fear and anger that had plagued him in the months before James and Lily were killed. "It just ... pops up sometimes." He inhaled Remus's sweet smell with a pang of thankfulness.

"I know. I'm sorry. Siri ..." A warm whisper against his lips. "I made so many mistakes with you. Before. I don't want to do that any more."

He stroked Remus's back very lightly. "We both did, I think. I'm just-- I'm so grateful-- I have this second chance. That you didn't really-- that you decided to give me that chance."

"You gave it to me," Remus said quietly. Then he chuckled. "Besides, I'm a werewolf. They're not exactly beating the door down to get to me. At least not that way."

Sirius managed to laugh back. "I see. So you pounced on the only offer."

"Mm." Remus drew back slightly and looked him in the eye. "I'm just lucky it was you."

His heart threatened to leap out of his chest. "Not half as lucky as I am."

"Always with the sweet-talk, Black." Remus kissed him quickly. "Are we-- better?"

"Oh, yes." He touched Remus's soft hair. "Such pretty hair, Moony."

"It's so grey," Remus said self-consciously.

Sirius was touched to find this little streak of vanity in his lover. "It's just streaked with silver. Touched by starlight."

"Ew." Remus made a face. "That's awfully soppy. And I don't think it's fair that you don't have any grey at all, when you're older than I am."

"By six weeks," Sirius said. He kissed Remus's forehead, lined by years of stress and pain. Still beautiful. "If we went upstairs, I could show you that I still have some of my youthful vigor."

"I'm supposed to be the one with all the sexual stamina," Remus complained, but he let Sirius pull him to his feet and lead him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

As Sirius drew Remus into the bedroom, he heard rain begin to fall on the roof. For some reason it was a comforting sound.


	3. Understanding

"Moony?"

Remus looked up from his calculations. "Yes?"

"Let's raid Snape's kitchen." The blue eyes gleamed with mischief.

They were staying at Snape Manor with Harry while Severus recovered-- they hoped-- from having been abducted and tortured by Draco Malfoy and Peter Pettigrew. Severus was still in a coma, as he had been for several days.

"What's Harry doing?" But he set his quill aside and shook his hand; he'd been writing for longer than he'd thought. He started putting the runes back in their velvet bag.

"Sleeping. Finally."

"That's good." Harry had been in a frenzy of activity, talking to Ministry officials and Severus's employers, fending off the press, and fielding well-meaning advice and visits from his friends.

"So, shall we find out what Snape keeps in his cupboards?" Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "You've finished those calculations, haven't you?"

"Near enough," said Remus, standing up. "Perhaps there's some of that paella left over from last night."

They walked out of the study and went down the corridor to the kitchen. The house-elf was nowhere in sight; he was probably watching over Harry and Severus. Remus rummaged in the refrigerator, found the paella he'd been looking for, and re-heated it with a quick charm. They sat down at the table with their plates.

"What were you calculating?" Sirius washed his food down with some wine.

"Er... The odds of Severus making a full recovery." He didn't look Sirius in the eye as he said this.

"Oh. Do I want to know?"

Remus shrugged. "How much do you hate him?"

Sirius's hand shot out and grabbed his arm. "Moony, tell me. If he's-- I need to know. To help Harry."

Sirius was right, and Remus felt a momentary shame for his flippant comment. "Well... It's not as bad as I thought. 67% probability that he'll recover completely, with no loss of brain function. 88% probability that he'll wake up, but with some faculties impaired."

"Faculties? What do you mean by that?"

Remus sighed. "Don't tell Harry this part. Severus might lose some higher-order cognitive abilities. He could suffer short-term memory loss, have trouble making logical connections, develop speech difficulties, that sort of problem."

"So he wouldn't be able to work."

Severus was the director of potions research for a large company. "I doubt it."

"He'd hate that."

Surprised, Remus sniffed discreetly. /compassion/concern/ rose up from Sirius's skin. "Yes." He paused, then continued. "And the greatest likelihood is that he'll wake up, but he'll be ... not himself. Insane."

There was a moment of silence. "Well," Sirius said. "Let's hope he falls into the 67% range." He lifted an eyebrow in a fair imitation of Severus. "You seem surprised."

"Um... yes. You're being so--" He searched for a tactful word.

"Normal?"

Trust Sirius to cut straight to the chase. "Um..."

Sirius sighed. "I'm trying, Moony. I won't say it's not difficult. But I'm trying." A pause. "It helped when you-- when you showed me how you felt about it."

Remus pondered this. "How I felt about you being-- angry?"

"Mm. Not exactly. That you felt guilty. About not believing in me."

The familiar stab of pain lanced through his heart. "Yes," he whispered.

Sirius reached across the table and took his hand. "It's all right. Do you remember once that you told me that the past was the past?"

Remus nodded. "And you said we can't let it control us."

"Yes. That's true here, too. It's over. We're together." Sirius smiled. "I still don't believe it sometimes, but we're together."

Remus smiled back. He couldn't quite believe it either at times. Occasionally he woke up in the middle of the night and lay in bed, listening to Sirius's quiet, steady breathing, overcome by amazement and happiness.

"It's strange, you know. About the past." Sirius's face held the abstracted expression he had used to get much more frequently in his first few years out of Azkaban. "In a way I feel like I don't have one. Or not as much of one as you." He tried to smile. "Perhaps that's why I don't have any grey hair. Frozen in time..."

"Because you were in prison?" Remus said hesitantly.

Sirius nodded. "Like I wasn't alive for those twelve years. So I didn't-- I think I missed out on a lot of things. Besides the obvious." He squeezed Remus's hand. "So you ... grew up. And I didn't, really."

Remus had known that for a while, but didn't know that Sirius had worked it out. He squeezed back. "I don't know how much growing-up I did, actually. Emotionally. I was really--" He searched for the right word. "Frozen. Like you. And I didn't want to feel anything. It wasn't until--" He stopped abruptly.

"Snape," Sirius said softly. His gaze was warm.

Remus nodded jerkily. "I really-- I hated it, but I needed it. Someone to ... wake me up. But it didn't really work. I don't know," he said helplessly. "Without you-- without you, there was nothing. I was nothing." He made himself meet Sirius's eyes again.

Sirius looked as if he'd had a revelation. Surprise, shock, and happiness were written across his face so clearly that Remus didn't even need to smell him.

"You didn't know," Remus realized. And he himself had been blind to what Sirius needed most of all. What lay under the jealousy and anger. "Oh, Siri. You are the most important thing in my life." He gripped the other man's hand tightly. "I was with Severus because he knew what I was and wanted me anyway." Sirius's hand twitched in his, as if he wanted to pull away. Remus held on. "But you-- you know what I am and you ... want that. Want me. **All** of me. That's-- no one else has ever given that to me." Total, unconditional acceptance.

The blue eyes were fixed on him, devouring him. "Remus. Remus ... I forgot your name once, in Azkaban. Did I ever tell you that?"

Remus shook his head. Sirius rarely spoke of Azkaban.

"They took it away from me. I think it was for a couple of days. Perhaps a week." Sirius was still staring at him, not looking off into space as he did on the few occasions when he remembered prison. "And they left me like that. All I knew was that I had lost something so important. Something I couldn't stand to lose." He swallowed. "I screamed so hard my throat bled."

"Siri--"

"Then they came back. And they made me remember that day I told Snape how to find you in the Shack. And I was almost glad, because your name was there. Remus ... I scratched it into the wall with my fingernails so they couldn't rip it away from me again."

Remus rubbed his free hand across his stinging eyes.

"And Moony ... I lost that name almost completely. I didn't really get it back until you unlocked my memories for me. I knew it, and I knew it was you, but I-- I didn't know what it meant." Sirius had hidden all his memories of Remus in his head before the Dementors came for him. That still astounded Remus.

"Siri," he said again. "When you were-- there, I thought of you every day. Every day. It was so-- I didn't want to. Everything I did was to make myself stop thinking. But I couldn't."

Sirius licked his lips. "In prison, I convinced myself that you wouldn't want me any longer. I couldn't believe it when I saw you in the Shack and you listened to me, and helped me, and hugged me. Called me your friend."

Remus brought Sirius's hand to his lips and kissed it. "That was the best feeling I had ever had. Holding you in my arms again."

"Yes," Sirius whispered. "I got you back. I got you back. Thank you."

Remus swallowed. "You never should have lost me in the first place." He stood up abruptly and drew Sirius to his feet as well, then wrapped his arms tightly around his lover. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into the broad shoulder.

Sirius kissed him gently. "It's all right."

He relaxed into the embrace again. "I love you," he said. The one thing he hadn't said all evening.

A kiss fell on his cheek. "I love you too." A kiss to his lips, which he returned gratefully.

They were still there ten minutes later when Harry burst in, shouting that Severus was awake, that he was fine, that he was awake, awake, awake.

The four of them ate dinner together, so Remus was able to see for himself that Severus was indeed fine, that he hadn't suffered any of the problems they had feared. After dinner it was clear that Harry and Severus wanted to be alone; when Remus suggested that he and Sirius return home, Sirius hauled him almost bodily to the nearest Floo.

They fell out onto their kitchen floor.

"I thought you were enjoying yourself, Siri." Remus stood up and brushed the soot off his clothes. "Why the rush?"

Sirius shook his head, dog-like, sending soot flying across the room. "Please. I said something nice to Snape. I had to leave before I sent him into cardiac arrest."

Remus laughed. "Point taken." Sirius had actually admitted that he would be willing to help Severus should he need it, much to their collective astonishment.

"Besides," Sirius added, "I wanted to come home." He smiled. "We've been through a lot, and I just want to-- be with you."

Remus knew Sirius wasn't just talking about the stress of searching for Severus, the fight they'd had to rescue him from Malfoy and Pettigrew, or even the lengthy wait in Severus's house, trying to help Harry maintain some semblance of calm and control.

"Yes," he agreed. "We have." Something else occurred to him, something that had been nagging at him for days. "Last week-- no, two weeks ago now. When we had that fight, after we came back from seeing Harry and Severus. I'm sorry. I shut you out. I shouldn't have done that." Shouldn't have inflicted that withdrawal on Sirius. That rejection.

Sirius shivered slightly. "It's all right. Just--"

Remus reached out and touched Sirius's cheek. "I won't do it again. I promise."

"No matter how incredibly pissed off you are?" Sirius tried to smile. He turned his face and kissed Remus's palm.

He flinched at this reminder of his own bad behavior. "Right. I promise," he said again.

"That's all right, then." Sirius drew him into his arms and rested his cheek against Remus's hair. "Your hair always smells so good."

"What do you think it smells like?" Remus asked curiously.

"Mm... The forest. Wild things." Sirius kissed his hair, nuzzled his ear and neck. "Moony?"

"Yes?"

"Let's go to bed."

Remus made a show of looking at the clock. "So early? I'm really not very sleepy."

Sirius stroked his back, then grasped his hips. "I don't plan on letting you sleep."

"Oooh," said Remus in feigned excitement.

A sigh. "Well, if you're going to be sarcastic about it..." Sirius let go of him. "You've definitely been spending too much time around Snape."

"He was unconscious, Siri. It's not like I could pick up pointers on sarcasm from a man in a coma." He put his arms around Sirius's neck. "But I promise to play nicely."

Sirius kissed him. "Nice isn't exactly what I want." Another kiss. "Bed now?"

He pretended to consider. "Well..."

"Remus!"

He laughed. "Yes. Bed now." He unwound his arms from Sirius's neck and grabbed his hand. "Come on, then." As they walked upstairs, he noticed that it had begun to rain. Sirius's hand was warm and comforting in his.

\---- the end.


End file.
